Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
