your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize