i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
