WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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