Someone shit on the floor
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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