I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
