This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
