my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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