Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
