I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
