My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
