Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
