I just made out with a guy for $7.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
