Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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