did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize