I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
