ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
