I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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