WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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