you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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