i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dear god my vagina.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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