I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
