Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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