I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
