my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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