Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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