He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize