SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize