so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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