The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize