There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
