Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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