im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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