i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
