I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
