i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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