I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
