i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
