accomplished twins. life is a go
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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