You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
