This is not my ceiling
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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