Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
