i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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