Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My bed smells like the plague
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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