In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
