So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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