I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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