Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
