Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
