I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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