awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize