worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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