She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
