i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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