New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
