Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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