i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
