I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
